girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
You Might Also Like
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.