Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?