Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*