“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.