My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.