The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Said the murderer.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
just got my engagement photos
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is