If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
In Canada they just call them geese
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
He is just living hist best little life 😊