[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.