Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
knights of the ikea table
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.