If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I am, perchance
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.