“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea