Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off