I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!