Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Challenge accepted.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow