Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done