I hope Alan is OK
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Is this you?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers