Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.