[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.