I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Easy enough.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…