A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What