If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy