I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*