Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
You Might Also Like
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.