5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.