Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You Might Also Like
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
White Castle for the Win
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!