I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope