“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.