I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
You Might Also Like
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Single and childfree like Jesus