Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol