[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
lmfao come on
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.