“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
incredible text to wake up to