Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
You Might Also Like
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈