I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
selena gomez
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Aaaa…CHOO!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”