One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY