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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.