Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
The devil.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.