Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’ll be mad as hell!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!