The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.