Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.