Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
And then there were 4
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
So inspired right now.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now