“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
You Might Also Like
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Ion see the issue
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.