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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
work smarter, not harder
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Intelligence is the new cleavage