The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Go girl power!
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
titanic
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.