If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*cough*
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.