I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
new wife guy just dropped
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.