Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Oh hi lol
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Is fake venison called venisn’t
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]