My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
You Might Also Like
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.