HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.