My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Ape together strong
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there