museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Me redecorating every room in my mind